"Now is the time to keep going forward unwavering," said Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, in a speech this week. "We should keep doing things the same way, without trying any less or more than before."
"I think it's frankly out of the question to consider some other, crazy untested strategy," said Vice-President Dick Cheney in response to a reporter's question. "It could be dangerous to take some kind of shift at this time."
"Iraqis use a strange, incomprehensible series of meaningless phonemes to communicate. Needless to say, it's very difficult to understand," the report said. "Iraqis may communicate much more efficiently with a language like English, which is easy to learn and use."
State Department Deputy Secretary Ronald Zoellick explained, "There may in fact be no one 'Iraqi language,' but they may even speak a number of different strange languages, if you can believe that. All the more reason for them to standardize on the English language for their own use."
Soon after, however, a group of bio-political scientists announced they had created a strain of cloned pigs that could make healthier, more efficient politicians.
"While the findings are still highly theoretical, it's still a very big leap," said Alexis Lemont, a genetic sociologist. "Imagine these cloned pigs, drafting and voting on legislation in an all-ungulate Congress," she continued. "Believe it or not, we think this technology is not that far off."