WASHINGTON, DC -- Officials at the FBI are trying to calm a jittery nation by allaying fears that terrorist factions may have somehow weaponized the soon-to-be-released hit movie Corky Romano.
    "We have no reason to believe that any unauthorized person has come into possession of such an agent," said an FBI spokesman. "There is no reason to be afraid, but do report anything suspicious to the proper authorities."
    British intelligence ran tests of weaponized Corky Romano during WWII and found that the effects of test attacks were so explosive that only idiots would go within miles of a test facility during Corky Romano exposures.
    The movie features actor Chris Kattan, a Saturday Night Live veteran long noted for his human rights violations. Since 1997 he has been sought for questioning relating to his role in dozens of bizarre suicides nationwide. Though his whereabouts are unknown, most analysts believe him to be somewhere in Hollywood, California, which one military expert described as the "most ruthless, desolate territory in the world."