WASHINGTON, DC -- Today Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld told reporters that Osama bin Laden is probably fucking dead already. The world's most wanted man hasn't been seen in weeks.
    Rumsfeld said, "I know we all want a body so we can party like it's 1945, but he's probably laying crushed in a collapsed cave bunker or was in some building when we blew it up, but let's face it, he's probably pretty fucking dead by now."
    The Bush administration has been stressing that the war may be a protracted campaign without a quick conclusion.