LOS ANGELES -- The famed couple of zany comedian Tom Green and actor Drew Barrymore apparently filed for divorce yesterday, shocking an already emotionally shattered nation. The news leaves a hole in our hearts and minds forever. Can we ever recover?
    "No," said President Bush in an address to Congress. "Our nation will never be the same."
    This important topic clearly should be on the top of most Americans' minds.
    "I never thought a useless piece of celebrity gossip could not be completely inapproprate and rude again," said Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle, wiping tears from his eyes. "I was wrong."