NEWARK, DE -- Today is a day which will live forever in out hearts are minds. On this day, what will soon be known as the most respectable periodical in the world began its web distribution cycle. We're proud to say that this publication will produce nothing but the most offensive material we can invent as a mechanism to attain more controvesy and attention, and thus, readership.
   
    It was also will be poorly composed and edited; written for and by the most disreputable, ignorant slobs who call themselves journalists we could find willing to work for so little money. In fact, they don't call themselves journalists at all; we have to call them that ourselves because they don't speak english very well. Most of them are just of the boat of deportation from Russia or Singapore for convictions of a variety of petty crimes.
   
    A BETTER WAY
Said founder and publisher emeritus Lothar Thortkin, Jr. (deceased):
    "With the old new canon, readers were often frustrated by confusing facts when they really just wanted emotion-provoking stimulus. we here at The Daily Sedative have recognized this need and thusly revolutionized the way news information is desseminated by wildly exagerrating and even fabricating content entirely to better serve you."
   
    REPORTING AT ITS BEST
"I was reading this article in the Christian Science Monitor that said the drug war was a complex problem, a battle against ourselves with no clear enemy, if you will" said Walter Hartmayer, insurance agent. "That's not the kind of news I want to hear."
   
    Walter Hartmayer's call was soon heard. Only moments after TheDailySedative reported that the drug problem was simply and purely the fault of Phil Shillins of Hoboken, NJ, an evil trillionaire mastermind, the pentagon had annouced it had executed relentless wave after wave of stealth bombing missions over his small, brick house with dirty vinyl siding in the suburbs.
   
    Incidentally it was later reported by other news agencies that most of the ordinances had actually detonated on various international embassies curiously located in the area.
   
    Thortkin: "This is an example of the power of our reporting methodology, without even having to explain what the problem is we presented the solution. And in that solution we only created new, better problems for us to report to you."
   
    REPUTATION TO BUILD
The reaction by the existing news community has been substantial. Eminent journalist Sir Bernard Ingham praised it as, "vulgar and inflammatory." Other leading reporters were too amazed to read or even glance at all at the shining beacon of truth that is The Daily Sedative.
   
    Editor-in-chief Nick San Diego has his own words to say. "I'd rather gouge my own eyes out with unsanitized hypodermic needles that washed up on the Jersey shore than ever insult humanity by letting these hideous lies soil the printed page. So clearly the internet was its natural medium."