WASHINGTON, DC -- In a shocking admission of failure, Democracy conceded that it had utterly lapsed in its duty in the 2000 election, marking the first time for a system of government to formally admit to such allegations, especially at a media forum.
   
    "Each year, for the last two and one quarter centuries, I have decided our rulers," said Democracy at press conference today, "and each and every of those years I choose the least capable man for the job.
   
    "I made a total stuttering buffoon president. Of the United States. And I'm talking about Carter. There have been four presidents since them, each of them successively worse. Did you know Reagon was clinically dead for the last six years of his presidency? Yet I handed him two consecutive terms. Now Clinton, he was constantly embroiled in some kind of of wild scandal, of which there were too many to remember any one in particular detail... I lost count somewhere around 500. And then, after he left, I put the only man, the only man - on Earth - who could ever possibly be any worse, whose incredible faults and misgivings were so stunningly obvious that most garden vegetables would be smart enough to stay away from him." It added, "Somehow, that fact elluded me while I was evaluating canidates."
   
    Experts readily affirmed Democracy's shortcomings during its administration. "Democracy was intended to put all of its citizens collectively at the helm of the nation," said Brown professor of political science John Gertrude, "but as recent studies report, people are absolute fucking morons, without the faintest shadow of a rational thought in their weak, puny minds, and lack the inclination to even try to use what little they can muster out of that tiny and ineffective organ."
   
    Democracy also confirmed long-running rumors that it would soon step down as System of Government of the United States, which may have far reaching consequences for the well being and even ongoing survival of humanity on earth, as it also has some influence on the United State armed forces and nuclear arsenal, arguably the most powerful in the world. Democracy has held its ofice for a marathon 225 years, beating out even Strom Thurmond's (R-SC) 208 years in the Senate.
   
   

Democracy: "He seemed like a good idea at the time. I guess not."

Existing elected US leaders expressed confusion about Democracy's resignation. "I don't see how an abstract political philosophy can make statements at press conference," said a casual George W. Bush in a telephone interview, "I also don't understand simple counting games or recognize basic geometric shapes."
   
    However, many perennial presidential hopefuls such as Ralph Nader, Pat Buchanan and Jesse Jackson have commended Democracy's pending resignation. "I am glad knowing our nation is moving forward," said Jackson in a written statement, "Glad, knowing that I now have a chance in fucking Hell of ever becoming president." Democracy had repeatedly promised durings its reign that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I ever make Jesse Jackson president."
   
    Monarchy, Communism, Anarchy, Technocracy, Idolatry and Despotism all expressed interest in fulfilling Democracy's place after its retirement. Communism expressed confidence in the possibility of his inheritance of the role, declaring, "With successes like the Soviet Union and the People's Republic of China under my belt, it is clear that I am the most qualified for the job." Democracy said while he affirmed Communism's merits he would still choose his successor "more or less randomly."
   
    One attractive alternative which many experts suggest may gain popularity is "celebrity-ocracy", or rule by artificial pop-culture leaders appointed by the entertainment industry. Other US political science and economic authorities critisized the claim and argued that celebrity-ocracy has been in power all along. Many leftist groups joined in the chorus, repeating their rhetorical jabs that Democracy was always really Aristocracy or "corporate" Despotism in a clever disguise. Democracy concluded his statements by reluctantly saying, "No... that was all really me all along."