BO ESPERANZA, PR -- Scientists at Arecibo national observatory made the historic announcement that they had received a bona fide radio message from an extraterrestrial source. The communication with alien life is a dream come true for scientists, biologists, astronomers and unattractive losers around the world.
   
    "This is truly a historic day, the day that all the people of earth could unite together, knowing together that we inhabit not a lonely universe, but that we live together with life forms who dwell outside of our own planet, " said Paul F. Goldsmith, director of the observatory, "and... apparently... they want more episodes of Baywatch to be transmitted from Earth immediately."
   
    The television and radio signals transmitted we tune in to every day don't just flow near the Earth's surface but also travel outward from the planet in all directions, streaming out quality episodes of Saved by the Bell, TJ Hooker, Silk Stalkings and Buffy the Vampire Slayer into the depths of space. It is well known that any intelligent life form could easily eavesdrop on our entertainment signals from an extrasolar planet using only a simple radio listening device. This is the first time, however, that we have learned that we have learned that a specific show has an established fanbase on another planet.
   
    One of the puzzling things about the landmark message, however, is the 4 month delay in the transmission after the annoucement was made that the show was to be cancelled. "We don't know of any systems capable of sustaining life within 2 light-months that might explain the delay," explained Donald Farley Asst. Director for Space & Atmospheric Sciences of Cornell University, which operates the observatory, "It might have come through a wormhole... though only theoretically possible, or it might suggest the possiblity of travel of energy waves at velocities faster than light, confirming my theory about the spacial attractive powers of huge, fake breasts."
   
   

David Hasselhoff: stunning

Reached for comment, David Hasseloff, executive producer of what is perhaps the most popular series ever, suggested that the transmission might have originated on Mars, only 2 lightdays away, and the time descrepancy could was the time it took alien people to rally together and develop interplanetary radio transmitters. He also toyed with his hair incessantly and casually mentioned that he was almost a billionaire.
   
    USA, the WB and UPN television networks initially expressed interest in reviving the show, noting that "even 20-30 alien viewers might double our audience," but backed down when advertisers realized that it would be impossible to develop ab machines, laxative suppliments or Viagra alternatives lacking any knowledge of alien anatomy. They did note however, the lucrative possiblity of interplanetary 'shipping and handling' charges.
   
    Towards the end of the transmission the extraterrestrials also mentioned that "that new Star Trek series will and could only ever be totally gay."