BOSTON, MA -- Many leading biologists are beginning to rule out the possibility of the existance of the female vagina, since a single sample of the anatomical phenomenon has not been observed by a reputable scientist in more than 30 years. The once respected theory is no longer being taught in classrooms and is quietly slipping out of college textbooks.
   
    These findings have been in the vain of countless attempts to observe the vagina in its native enviroment by scientists for the length of recorded history, in environments ranging from Himalayan peaks to local bars and off-campus parties. Recently confidence fell even further as a highly anticipated vaginal expedition to the Ross ice shelf in Antarctica returned empty-handed.
   
    Ken Haywood, Oxford-trained doctor, once the goldenboy of modern vagina-theory, has now begun to admit defeat. "I've searched for the vagina, for 32 long years..." the avid vagina hunter reportedly told friends, "within that time, I've been unable to find a single sample." He said he feared death before studying any good ones.
   
    "The qualitative usefulness of a natural vagina would be invaluable to future evolutionary theory, especially because it is believed to play a role in animal reproduction," said eminent biologist Stephen Jay Gould, whom currently holds the position of Alexander Agassiz Professor of Zoology and Professor of Geology at Harvard University. "I've also heard it smells bad, and that it's kind of sticky and gooey."
   
   

Gray's Anatomy, 1918: science or pseudo-science?

How the vagina first entered modern theory remains a mystery, possibly just another case of arbitrary societal 'common knowledge' failing to coincide with objective scientific truth. Some say the vagina never existed, previous studies under which vaginas were observed were under questionable conditions.
   
    "I met her at Niagera Falls," said zoologist Gilbert Perry, amidst laughter from his colleagues. His famous "Girlfriend-in-Canada" study reported 15 years ago is now widely considered a hoax. Another study alleged attained the elusive substance but contaminated the sample when beakers containing the vagina were dropped by a lab assistant.
   
    "Technical error or not, noting the lack of observations by the scientific community empirically we must conclude that it does not exist, or exists only exotically in artificial subterranean particle colliders," said Gould regarding the studies.
   
    Population studies have also been unable to yield satisfying results. Women approached refused to let survey-givers measure their vagina's mass or apply a plaster of paris solute to create a mold of their vulva. Women themselves seem to deny any knowledge of them, when asked to describe the surface conductivity of their labia majora, the most common responses were pained expressions, exacerbated gasps or slapping interviewers.
   
    "And when they go to the bathroom, they're always like, 'I'm just freshening up.' What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"