MEXICO CITY -- Bush commended the nation's drug dealers at the annual convention of the National Association of Illegal Narcotics Distributors (NAIND) convention in Mexico City today.
   
    "Today's drug dealers have succeeded against all odds," Bush said in his key note address, "like the clever tea smugglers our founding fathers patronized, like the vicious gangsters of the prohibition era, today's drug traffickers, smugglers and dealers are the strongest vision of the American dream alive today."
   
    The president met a standing ovation when he vowed to continue the "war on drugs," despite bipartisan criticism. "Even in the face of the strongest criticism, from the most authoritative experts, we will keep fighting- the war must go on!" he said to enthusiastic cheers from the crowd. May 10th the president appointed drug war veteran John P. Walters head the movement as director of National Drug Control Policy, whom promised to "get tough on drug dealers." Walters was deputy director under Bush's father and co-authored the book, "Body Count: Moral Poverty and How to Win America's War Against Crime and Drugs."
   
    Bush suggested that faith-based programs could help in the fight started by his idol, Ronald Reagan. "My Office of Faith-Based Programs has already spoken to several organizations interested in developing special midnight communion programs. These groups can battle in the trenches of the war on drugs more efficiently than any government-run, 'constitutional' spending ever could." He added, "If this isn't the greatest boon to social progamming, then may I stuppid be."
   
    NAIND union leaders reacted warmly to Bush's comments. "We are proud to provide millions of tons of primo shit to American consumers every year. I think I speak for all of us when I say the war for us has absolutely been a dream come true. It really is amazing."
   
    Unionization has been a watershed for drug workers, according to labor advocates. "Unions allows collective contract bargaining with employers, in this case, the CIA and LAPD," said University of Rochester political science professor Gerald Gamm. "Without organized labor, drug dealers in this country might not have the criminal network, plea bargain arbitration and dental insurance benefits they now enjoy."
   
   

The new coin, recently unveiled by the Bureau of Printing and Engraving, possesion of which was afterwards made illegal by the DEA.

The organization has grown into one of the strongest political lobbying forces today since dealers won the right to unionize in 1970s. So far they have gotten a mixed bag of stiffer penalities, stricter drug enforcement and continued patronage by our nation's leaders.
   
    Americans seem to agree. In a recent Reuters poll, 78% of Americans would favor the torture and slaughter of drug dealers, 64% favor suspension of constitutional rights for on-the-spot executions for suspected dealers, and 98% have admitted to illegal narcotics use in the last 12 months.
   
    Democratic leaders warned in their weekly radio address that without equal access, "[Bush's policies] might not act as the opiate of the masses necessary to curb socialist revolution." Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-MA) said, "like my father before me, I will fight conservative government policies that deny this wonderful, wonderful resource to the people who need it most." Kennedy was soon forced to descend from the platform due to an apparent nosebleed, mumbling, "so cold.... so cold..."
   
    Vice President Dick Cheney later said in an interview on Larry King Live that the drug policy would be key part of the Bush energy strategy. Quoting a White House science advisor, he said, "It is widely known that the introduction of toxins to the body leads to an increase in immune system activity, generating thousands of calories of body heat. Plus, they make you feel like you can punch through concrete walls. Balls out!"