PENTAGON -- The brightly colored tanks are adorned with peace signs, fractal patterns and happy, uplifting messages. The vehicles may also be able to play a live rendition of Pink Floyd's 1997 album, The Wall, through powerful external speakers. But the most import ant new component lies on top: the "love cannon" that uses "crystal light energy" long advocated by alternative warfare experts.
   
    "I named mine 'Sifting through the confusion!' because there are like, a lot of things that needed to be gone through when you're out there," said a test driver of his tank. He added, "I thought of it when I was high."
   
    The announcement was made at the Pentagon by General Weimer whose uniform was notably dirty, General Robertson sporting a long beard and wearing a colorful tie-dyed jumpsuit and General Daffid, nude, all of whom are heavily decorated soldiers. "We thought about research neutron grenades or microwave scatterguns," General Weimer explained, "but then we decided to use the white healing power available in quartz crystals," adding, "man."
   
    Holistic health experts say that quartz and other kinds of crystals act like powerful vibrational antennae that can focus healing energies onto the user or a patient.
   
    "The premise of vibrational healing is that everything vibrates on a certain frequency," said General Robertson, "All objects, even machine guns, are made up of molecules which vibrate to create their mass. Crystals have been monitored and shown to give off vibrations and create a pulse which can be used in clocks and electrical equipment."
   
   

Retrofitted M1A Abrams tanks undergoing a test run outside Fort Bragg, NC.

General Daffid also detailed some of the origins of the project. "We had heard [intelligence] reports of seeing crazy shit like this at [Phish shows], but we didn't take them too seriously," he said. "The consensus was they may have just been side effects of being some kind of Godless hippie. But then we realized, 'hey, we're all on this planet together. If we can just energize our chakras together the world would be a better place.'"
   
    Its victims skin melts off before their blood boils which causes their eyes to explode as their genitals swell gargantuan proportions, then burst. There are also reports that soldiers operating love cannons or in the vicinity of their user became retarded and blind, though military sources flatly denied the charges.
   
    "We experimented with many things, but we didn't identify with the images we saw while using them. In the end, love cannons produced the most satisfying visuals- our enemies reduced to a bloody pulp of lifeless flesh."
   
    John Fitzpatrick, bead store employee, said, "Yea, I can't wait to try it. It sounds like a fucken wild ride."