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"Delta Force Won't Stop Mowing My Lawn"

SHAGSWORTH, NC -- According to local man Tate Wilkson, men began arriving in the night to tend the grounds of his small North Carolina estate.
   
   
"Sure, they look like normal people -- " says Wilkson, " -- but I know they are really members of elite, super-secret fighting teams." The Delta Force is one of the the US Army's most secretive units. Even their name is considered classified.
   
    He says he does not know why the men began arriving to pursue a variety of lawn-care tasks, but that he is grateful for the work and is bound by honor not to interfere with what might be a highly sensitive mission.
   
    Wilkson also says he can identify their combat training instantly. "There was a bush in the garden once that had, an' they kept whackin' at it like they were definately trained in highly classified counter-terrorism techniques and scenarios."
   
    He denies speculation that the pruning and weeding might be a banal way for the troops to escape from their annals of their rigorous, gut-wrenching training. "They're on a mission. I can tell that by the look in heir eyes. They're confident. They're weeding for a reason," he says.
   
    Much is unclear about the group. It is known to be an elite counter-terrorist group, and their appearances are few and far between. "Once I went to Miss'ippi, and I say some kinda boat that was going somewhere. I thought I seen everything then." Unlike most other army units, members of Delta Force do not have hair length or grooming requirements.
   
    Wilkson says there is no sign yet of the Night Stalkers, an equally mysterious special forces unit whose sole purpose is to deliver the Delta troopers into and out of combat situations covertly. "I woulda heard something. Though I know they're supposed to be all quiet and all."
   
    He also says there is other work for the men if they want it. The basement needs to be cleaned out, and he says his car needs to be retuned. "They can do any of that stuff if they want. Lord knows I'm not getting to it anytime soon."
   
    The US Army had no comment on this report.
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