by Jeanne Marie Garon
   
    WASHINGTON, DC -- America’s free-thinking deaf and hearing people, along with everyone having a sense of the ironic, could not suppress their snickers and knowing smiles Monday at reports that Republican right-wing radio talk-show host Rush Limbaugh had joined the ranks of the hearing impaired.
   
    Limbaugh initially made the announcement himself on his Monday show, stating that he has lost 100 percent of his hearing in one ear and 80 percent in the other. Saying that he wanted his listeners to get the story straight from him rather than from the "liberal media," he explained that the hearing loss began during May and has since steadily worsened.
   
    Such rapid auditory deterioration is relatively rare, according to Dr. Femme Enazzi of Los Angeles’ Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. Enazzi reports that Limbaugh's deafness seems to have stemmed in part from an inner-ear infection and in part from an obstruction.
   
    "We believe Mr. Limbaugh's deafness is, at least in part, a manifestation of a significant inner-ear problem we diagnosed some time ago," Enazzi said, noting that Limbaugh had first presented with the classic inner-ear symptom of losing his balance. "During a series of routine medical examinations, we observed Mr. Limbaugh leaning further and further to the right," she said. "His right-leaning and lack of balance were our first clues that something was amiss.
   
    "Enazzi also noted that "during more than one examination," upon gazing into Limbaugh’s ear canal toward his cerebrum, she observed "several round obstructions resembling gravel," leading her to speculate that Limbaugh’s hearing loss may have also resulted from structural impingements to the auditory nerve from the rocks in his head.
   
    Enazzi noted that, while she was the diagnosing physician, the conservative loudly insisted on being allowed to "hear the truth" from one of Enazzi’s male colleagues.
   
    In making the announcement, Limbaugh, who is heard on nearly 600 stations by 20 million listeners, assured his audience that he would continue to update them on his condition. "I am not altogether sure that my hearing loss is not the result of a covert feminazi plot," he said.
   
    Meanwhile, in a touching expression of solidarity with the man they affectionately call "El Rushbo," listeners to Limbaugh’s Excellence in Broadcasting show could be seen at Limbaugh’s Web site, via the "ditto-cam," learning how to signal their characteristic, "Ditto!" in sign language.
   
    There was also an outpouring of sympathy and support from Limbaugh's conservative friends.
   
    Pal Newt Gingrich shook his head with sadness, saying only, "I told Rush this would happen if he kept baiting angry feminists and letting them box his ears." An anguished but hopeful George Bush Senior said, "Read my lips, as Rush now must... Limbaugh will lip-read and sign his way into the hearts of all Americans."
   
    Several unofficial responses from key Democrats have surfaced.
   
    Delivering a luncheon keynote address to the Rotary Club of Sticks, South Carolina, prior to their weekly bowling game, former Vice President Al Gore said, "For far too long, Rush Limbaugh turned a deaf ear to America's underprivileged." Pressed continually by aides to loosen up and speak less like an automaton, Gore added, "Clearly, Rush’s own ears have grown tired of hearing his own bull-dung."
   
    A surprised Gloria Steinem was overheard snickering to her manicurist, "So- will the big, bad author of See, I Told You So re-release it as See, I Signed You So?"
   
    James Carville was reportedly even less kind. "Now, ya just hate to kick a man when he's down, but that’s just what I’ma gonna do," he sneered to several media sources.
   
    "Look, that jackass has always been dumb," Carville quipped. "Now he’s deaf. If we’re lucky, tomorrow he’ll be blind. I could give you some Helen Keller jokes, but I won’t. I think we're looking at a situation here where all of those `Rush is Right' bumper stickers his `Ditto-heads’ have on their cars have to come down. I will personally be distributing `Rush Must Write' stickers to take their place." Carville added, laughing, "It’s a mystery to me that it’s not Rush’s listeners who were struck deaf- you know, that whole `hear no evil’ thing."
   
    When asked what America’s hearing-impaired community thinks of the fact that Limbaugh, who has allegedly been less than sympathetic to the needs of the handicapped, is now deaf, one opinion-leader, signing on condition of anonymity, signed, "We’re hopeful that, even if for the wrong reason, Republicans in Congress will finally direct more money toward research to overcome hearing impairment and other medical conditions."
   
    This Sunday, television’s "Meet the Press" brought to light concerns held by several key Republican strategizers that the party may go through a temporary loss of credibility while one of its foremost apologists adjusts to his new handicap.
   
    Many hearing-impaired people who were not born deaf can retain complete vocal functioning, but some undergo a loss of the ability to speak at a normal volume. They may unconsciously increase or decrease the volume of their speech, and they may even slur words, due to not being able to hear themselves speak.
   
    Cokie Roberts told Tim Russert, "For years, Rush has been one of the GOP's staunchest town criers. He has raised that booming voice of his when delivering diatribes against women, homosexuals, and minority groups. Now that he can't hear himself speak, I think the GOP is a little squeamish, and rightfully so, Tim, about what this man might start yelling at the top of his lungs, on the air, when he thinks he's whispering a quiet aside to one of his colleagues. Are we finally going to hear details about all-expenses-paid junkets to Grand Cayman, courtesy of Corporate America? Is Rush's notorious potty humor now going to be broadcast live across America?"
   
    Roberts said Republicans are also concerned about what will happen when Rush is not able to hear important auditory cues, telling him, for example, whether he is on or off the air.
   
    "How many of us have broken wind, Tim, thinking we are in private, thinking that no one is hearing us because we cannot hear ourselves? This is just one of many concerns Republicans will have today and in months and years to come -- is there a chance that Rush will accidentally begin broadcasting his colorectal noises in addition to the usual brain farts we hear from him? I think we'll soon see the GOP distancing itself from Limbaugh, Tim. Rush will be considered by members of his own party, at least temporarily, as a loose cannon."
   
    "I highly resemble those remarks," said Limbaugh, in a press conference he held following the NBC broadcast. A Limbaugh aide quickly grabbed the microphone and explained that the speech-slurring Rush meant to say, "I highly resent those remarks."
   
    In an unexpected turn of events, Limbaugh has found support from a former adversary.
   
    Reverend Jessie Jackson, speaking to Barbara Walters about the issue Sunday evening, said, "Baba, my heart goes out to Rush." Jackson, whose speech patterns have for years prompted a concerned nation to ponder whether he too suffers from a hearing or speech impediment, continued, "I know first-hand-dah what Rush is feeling inside-dah."
   
    Limbaugh could not be reached for final comment, but his new public relations aide, a suspected Democratic mole, noted with a wry smile, "Sure, Rush can’t hear himself think, listen to reason, or hear the truth, but these qualities have never slowed him down in the past. The show must go on!"
   
    Copyright Jeanne Marie Garon 2001