BOCA RATON, FL -- American Media Incorporated, the parent company of the most popular tabloids on US newsstands such as the Globe, the National Enquirer and the Weekly World News, which is the most read print publication in the world, was forced into a state of actual news when several of its employees were the first to be stricken by the anthrax attack currently sweeping the United States.
   
    Executives said they were "shocked," and "dumbfounded" by the turn of events.
   
    The New York Post reported in their "We have Anthrax -- us, EXCLUSIVE" coverage, that they had received an anthrax letter, and that two staffers had acquired the disease. The spores have so far all been simply mailed to their targets from somewhere that feeds the Trenton, NJ post office, though the identity of their sender is stilll unknown. The Post demanded in an editorial printed on Thursday, September 13, that the US should commence attack as soon as possible, saying that we should "bomb them, and then bomb their smoldering rubble -- onc [sic] more time."
   
    This time they are asking for a swift retaliation again – demanding that authorities should give everyone at the New York post a chemical sponge bath, and to burn out the New York Post's offices as soon as possible.
   
    Respectable news print publications have been strangely left out of the carnage. During the crisis some of the most reputed newspapers in the world, including The New York Times and Washington Post, have been left to report second-hand information that was first printed in the New York Post and the Daily Sun.
   
    "We never thought of conducting an interview but without completely making it up," said James Cearhart editor of the Sun, whose own employees have been struck by the bacteria. "This time it was, in fact, easier than inventing the dialogue- since the staffers whom would have normally contrived the conversation with people who are of national interest were actually the subject of astute national interest themselves."
   
    Even the Weekly World News, which has in the past offered rewards for any information leading to the capture of "the Bat Boy," has reviewed its output, saying Tuesday that Bat Boy had joined the military and wanted readers to "spread the patriotism." "Is no one safe?" said one terrified reader "clearly even bat boy has been enormously affected by this national tragedy."
   
    However, in stark contrast to the effect on the print world, anthrax spores have reached the offices of CBS, ABC and NBC, each broadcast media powerhouses. "Maybe they felt that all TV is trash TV," mused CNN analyst Jeff Greenfield of CNN’s Greenfield at Large. Reportedly Fox News Channel anchor also said he felt a vague sense of rejection for being discluded from the attacks so far.
   
    Similarly the Wall Street Journal and the Los Angeles Times said they could be hit by an anthrax attack, "any day now," according to headlines.
   
    "If they really got anthrax, and I know they did because I was told so by the television," said Florita Haine, a 41 year old Indiana housewife, "then maybe that story last week about lizards from Venus contacting earth and giant locusts swarming Russia were completely factual as well."
   
    "They're trying to create chaos- disreputable tabloid magazines and newspapers reporting actual, weighty news information will send panic into the streets," warned Health and Human Services Director Tommy Thompson. "We may no longer be able to tell what is utterly, terrifyingly real and what is too ridiculously unthinkable to be real anymore." Thompson urged tabloids to return to printing sheer nonsense, mindless gossip and rude, inflammatory editorials as soon as possible "for the sake of the American people."
   
    Despite the sudden credibility of the most incredible sources of information, there is a glimmer of hope appearing on street news vendors and supermarket checkout aisles. The 15-16th pages of last week's daily Sun have been found returned to blurry crotch shots of the rich and famous. The National Enquirer may also have found a new love in a possible romance for Prince William. And the New York Post printed a cover story this week jeering members of the House of Representatives for evacuating a possible attack, calling them "wimps" and "pussy-assed faggots."