by J. Garon and S. Bithell
   
    WASHINGTON DC -- Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today announced the nation’s newest weapon in its fight against terrorism: O.J. Simpson.
   
    Rumsfeld announced the Simpson initiative, dubbed "Operation Juice Osama," outside the Florida court where Simpson has been on trial for felony theft and misdemeanor battery stemming from an incident of road rage.
   
    Simpson was acquitted of charges that he allegedly reached into a motorist’s car, snatched the glasses off the driver’s face, and scraped the man’s forehead. However, undisputed evidence of Simpson's conduct toward the other motorist, combined with his 1995 civil-court conviction for the brutal murders of his ex-wife and her friend, led to the Pentagon’s decision to "let loose the Juice."
   
    "As we see from sworn testimony in Simpson’s road-rage case, O.J. can allegedly turn basic, everyday objects such as prescription eyeglasses into weapons of destruction," Rumsfeld said. "This is just the sort of ingenuity we need in our war against terrorism."
   
    "Mr. Simpson also clearly has unremitting problems with anger," Rumsfeld continued. "We’d like to help him harness that anger for the good of the nation."
   
    "So far," he said, "no one has been successful in eliminating bin Laden, so now we’re asking O.J. take a stab at it."
   
    Rumsfeld admitted that, in addition to Simpson's proclivity for stalking and violently assaulting victims, the main reason the former Heisman trophy winner was selected for the mission is that "to catch a killer like bin Laden, you need to be able to get inside the mind of that killer."
   
    "Because Simpson and bin Laden have a lot in common -- for example,
    anger-management problems, issues with monogamy, and the use of knives to achieve their ends -- we think Mr. Simpson is uniquely equipped to get inside Osama’s head and predict his next moves."
   
    "When you think about it," the defense secretary said, shaking his head, "the similarities really are remarkable. Bin Laden was exiled from Saudi Arabia, while Simpson is no longer welcome in California. O.J. lived at Rockingham, Osama hides under rocks. They even both know what it’s like to have a team of unintelligible but well-paid defenders harboring them from justice. No doubt, Simpson’s the man for this job."
   
    According to Rumsfeld, Simpson will be equipped as a covert, "army-of-one" operative tasked with finding, and then "neutralizing," the man believed to be behind the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon.
   
    Asked whether Simpson could realistically be expected to find bin Laden, Rumsfeld shrugged off concerns about Simpson’s failure to find the "real killer" of own his ex-wife, saying, "Back then, Mr. Simpson had a book to write and an Internet site to maintain." In addition, because Afghanistan has no golf courses and does not allow women to wear revealing outfits, he said, "Simpson's search for bin Laden will be
    focused."
   
    There is not enough time to provide Simpson with training in advanced military weaponry, but Rumsfeld said the Defense Department is "confident in Simpson’s ability to wield a knife."
   
    "Look," he said, "if O.J. unleashes on bin Laden even half the fury visited on Nicole Brown Simpson, Ronald Goldman, and most recently -- allegedly, anyway -- an innocent Florida motorist, we might just witness the making of a new American hero."
   
    This outcome was said to have appealed to Simpson, who reportedly thinks his efforts to destroy bin Laden might finally clear his name and help him regain public approval.
   
    Simpson’s transportation in Afghanistan is anticipated to be his white Ford Bronco, but the Defense Department must coordinate the logistics of getting the sport-utility vehicle to the war-torn nation, while ensuring its ability to reach speeds higher than 40 mph.
   
    Rumsfeld said the Los Angeles District Attorney’s office has volunteered to "winterize" Simpson for his cold-weather mission in Afghanistan by returning the dark sweat suit, ski hat, and black gloves it had been "holding" for him since 1994.
   
    In addition, designer Bruno Magli has expressed interest in creating customized combat boots for Simpson in return for Simpson’s 1994 "promotion efforts" for Bruno Magli shoes.
   
    Rumsfeld concluded the conference with a terse word of warning to bin Laden: "Osama, when you hear three knocks on the wall of your cave in the middle of the night, you’ll know you’re about to be Juiced."
   
    Related Developments
    - Judge Tells O.J. to J.O.: "Juice Osama!"
    - Hasbro Commemorative Toys: O.J. Action Figure, G.I. Jihad (Both Sold Separately)