In the beginning, there was on man and one woman. They lived in a garden of paradise, but they were kicked out because of an accident involving their Palm Pilots.
   
    After they left the garden they lived in Mesopotamia, a place that is now called "Iraq," which means "really fucked up place."
   
    After a long time the man and woman decided they could no longer get along. The man wanted to buy a garage door opener. The woman said there were no cars, no garages and garage door openers wouldn't be invented for another 4000 years. So they had to go their separate ways.
   
    The man went to Mars, and the woman went to Venus, where they multiplied and became plentiful.
   
    But they did keep busy. On Mars the men invented beepers, surround sound and Nitrogen, and on Venus the women discovered how to glue macaroni on all kinds of shit.
   
    But then one day in 1987, the men and women decided to come back and reinhabit Earth. Some decided to cut their hair the same way and wear jumpsuits. They live in what is now called "Germany."
   
    One man wrote a book about this experience, but he was eaten by Oprah Winfrey's left buttock.
   
    And one day, in the future, all contradictory ideals can be realized and the Earth transformed into another garden of paradise where everyone can be happy, just provided that everybody complains about it enough.