by Anand Sahasranaman
   
    CANBERRA -- Scientists in Australia discovered today that it is the only country that has a whole continent to itself. "This earth-shattering discovery is a result of 500 years of painstaking research," said Mr. Hoon Poofter, head of research at the Australian Research University. The project was initiated in 1500 AD, when a blind hobo in Melbourne suggested that Australia might be a continent. "The invention of the light bulb pales before this discovery. Look at the possibilities this opens up for the human race" barked an emotionally agitated Poofter. When asked what possibilities this profound finding would open up for the human race, a more mellow and philosophical Poofter cooed, "Only time will tell". However, he gleefully added that Australia had come out tops against Greenland, which he described as being "just another island-country".
   
   

Classified photograph of the Australian continent-nation taken by US spy satellites

Prime Minister John Howard appeared on National TV this morning. "We are an island-country-continent," he said solemnly. He said that his joy on hearing the news had been tempered by the death of his cat as a result of a kitchen experiment that according to him went "horribly wrong". When pressed for the gory details, he only said that high temperature and an oven "were involved". A tear flowed down his cheek in memory of the now defunct cat, which he described as being his "favorite kitty". He also briefly touched upon a plan for a military take-over of nearby New Zealand.
   
    Reaction from the rest of the world has been one of concern. The Foreign affairs ministry of New Zealand released a statement saying, "We condemn the statement made by the Australian Prime minister and we have the support of entire nation, all 35 people, 239 kiwis and 13 emus." A spokesman for the ministry however added that "If Australia attacks, we don't stand a fucking chance." This dismal outlook arose as the NZ rugby team, which doubles up as their army, was touring England. The German chancellor, Gerhard Schroeder has meanwhile expressed "shock and surprise" over the discovery and said that this was "not fair" to other countries. In Italy there were widespread protests and demands that it be declared a continent too. China preferred to maintain a stony silence over the affair, while French president Jacques Chirac simply said, "We are a socialist country." The US president George W Bush has ordered a complete halt to all operations in Afghanistan and put all military troops on full alert against any "Aussie misadventure". He also added that this was a "threat to democracy" and concluded "we will prevail".
   
    Critics of the Australian PM have however said that this is just another gimmick to get Australia into the news. The last time news about Australia was reported in the world press was in 1984 when The Makuba Chronicle of Congo (Readership: 6, figures not in millions) published an article on the death of the oldest koala bear in Australia under suspicious circumstances. Police are still looking for the elusive first clue on that case. Howard dismissed these critics, describing them as "assholes".
   
    In news about foreign citizens in Australia, a Korean woman upon hearing of the discovery went wild with excitement and subsequently hyperventilated. In other stray incidents of violence 15987 male tourists were emasculated. According to authorities this was a purely "preventive" measure.
   
    All this has however not put a damper on Mr. Poofter as he attended the 45th party thrown in his honour last night. When a party-pooper rebuked him saying that Antarctica was an island-country-continent too, Poofter in an advanced state of inebriation genially spat back "So who cares? The friggin' penguins?"