WASHINGTON, DC -- This Christmas holiday, millions of delirious children in the United States will unwrap presents that they only hope will be lumps of coal, barrels of petroleum or sacks of wheat.
   
    "My parents gave me 40 cans of beans," said Amanda Wilkins, 6, Iowa city IA. "This is the best Christmas ever!"
   
   

Carts of bauxite ore awaiting holiday shoppers on Dec. 24th

In a new departure from past years where outlets braced for masses of shoppers looking for interactive toys and robotic dolls, this Christmas the hottest gifts are those that are simple, true from the heart and keep us alive, even if they are not the most expensive item in the store.
   
    Despite aggressive sale pricing from marketers and retailers, generous parents have been seen in recent days swarming military surplus outlets, gas stations, and farms in search of the perfect gift.
   
    "I'm giving everyone in my family bags of sand," said Albert Rosfhild of San Antonio, TX. He said filling the bags and making extensive "play forts" with them 18 hours a day could also be a good family bonding experience. "It's the gift that says 'I want you to stay alive'," he explained.
   
    Experts advised parents against buying expensive, hard-to-find "fad" gifts like gas masks. "It's the love that counts in gift buying," said consumer advocate Mark Brown. "And love is a basic staple good that must be consumed for our most basic societal material needs."
   
    Despite the holiday rush, oil prices have remained stable. OPEC has been unable to maintain target output levels due to uncertainty and new Russian competition. According to spokemen, Exxon-Mobil's "Give the Gift of Gasoline" promotion, giving patrons free gift wrapping with purchases of 5 gallons or more was the most successful in the company's history.
   
    "Children are our most important natural resource." said Senator Joe Biden (D-DE) in a holiday address. "So its important that we nurture them with other important natural resources like coal or oil, so that they too can one day make America proud."