WASHINGTON, DC -- The United States today announced it was further reducing restrictions on exporting the obese to markets around the world.
    "With more than 97.1 million overweight people, or in gross terms that's more than $20 billion pounds, the US supply of obesity is the largest in the entire world," said FTC chairman Henry Watts at a Senate hearing. "We must open up our markets to remain fat, slow, and competitive."
    The new regulations are a shift from centuries of importing thin people from places like western Europe and Africa. Now the European Union was seen as a prime market, where the fat people could be made into fat, morally indignant people.
    "The message we are saying is: send us your poor, send us your hungry, and we'll send them back really fat."