BURLINGTON, VT -- "In America, mammaries are imprisoned in cages," according to a pamphlet of People for the Ethical Treatment of Breasts (PETB). "They should be free to roam the green hills of our nation unchained like any other natural, sumptious creation."
    The advocacy group was founded by Christopher Trovans, out of "absolute neccessity." In a recent interview, he said, "In Europe, breasts have more freedoms... less discriminated against, and caged only when it is too cold or when contact sports prevent it. But they, like, don't shave their pits or legs or anything. That shit is nasty."
    Trovans is also the president of PESTGL, People for Europeans Shaving their Goddamn Legs.