WASHINGTON, DC -- Today US Attorney General John Ashcroft and Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge announced they will have their heads jointly grafted onto a single host body. The leaders explained sharing a single body could save eating, drinking and going to the bathroom, all for the benefit of taxpayers.
   
    Proponents say Ridge can bring his expertise in color-coded alert systems into the man-conglomerate, and Ashcroft can bring that back-woods minister-sense that has served the country so well.
   

Newly joined Ridge-Ashcroft, as FBI Director Robert Mueller (R) looks on

    "As I have said before and I will say again, that Tom Ridge is a great man, and John Ashcroft is a great man, so when I heard that they would become one, greater man, I couldn't be happier," said President Bush.
   
    The joining of the two officials into one whole is symbolic of many of the problems our nation's myriad security agencies face today, such as communication and coordination.
   
    "As for communication, that would be pretty much impossible not to take place between them," said White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer. "They will literally hear every word the other says and is told, since their heads will be right next to eachother."
   
    "As a single, symbiotic entity, we am better prepared to take on the new challenges that face our nation," said the Ridge-Ashcroft symbiote. "We am a stronger team, a better team for a stronger nation."
   
    One questioned that remained was whether the Ridge-Ashcroft would drink or dance, behaviors that John Ashcroft felt were religiously perilous. If so, would such activities be color-coded?
   
    "The administration is confident Ridge-Ashcroft will be able to work out the little difficulties. I'd say all in all, this is one small battle won in the war against terror," continued Fleischer.