WASHINGTON, DC -- According to documents released to the press this week, President George W. Bush is going to count the entire United States Army himself using the impressive counting skills that he has acquired in the presidency.
   
    "Bush has mastered most of the basic digits in our number system needed for ascertaining the quantities of similar objects" said White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer. "His enthusiasm in counting simple, brightly colored objects has led him to a desire for a real counting challenge -- the US Army, for example."
   
    Foxnews TV pundit Bill O'Reilly said that the display of counting force "shows how much the president brings to the table: an ability to count, a few lines of algebra and a real knack for that coffee machine down the hall."
   
    According to interviews the counting will begin in the coming weeks and will continue for an unspecified amount of time.
   
    "This action defines who this president is;" said presidential historian Richard Reeves. "He is a counting president."
   
    According to Capitol HIll insiders and leaked Pentagon reports, Cabinet-level advisors warned Bush the US Army was much too numerous to count during a 4-year presidency; the President said he just didn't understand their language.
   
    "They speak in terms like 'times and mutiplies and divided.' I just don't understand the meaning of those words," said the President. "I will count and I will count and I will count some more, even if it rains tomorrow or the sun doesn't come up tomorrow. I am a countin' man."
   
    Vice-President Dick Cheney said the move illustrated just how far the President has come. "When he arrived on the doorstep he was a man who could not count. Now he is a man who can count, sometimes deep into the night if he wants to."