PENTAGON -- Pentagon spokesperson Rear Adm. Craig Quigley announced in a press conference today that the Department of Defense had approved initial testing of new, powerful Nerf™ weapons. Quigley said the weapons, "will punish our enemies with thousands of pounds of foam-rubber fun." Adoption of the new technology is part of freshman Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield's sweeping reforms across the US military.
    Most analysts believe the technology shows great promise. "The new weapons will be devastating for children as well as adults." said one researcher who asked to remain anonymous. In a test film shown, targets scattered and ran under a barrage of soft, foam balls as brightly colored rubber darts illuminated the distant horizon. "The penetrative shells we use with the new weapons are also eye-safe and machine washable so they can be collected and re-used for later attacks," Quigley said.
    It was also announced that toymaker company Nerf had been awarded a 10 year, $500 billion dollar contract to develop other unspecified weapons. He added, "and this has nothing to do with [Nerf CEO] Jack [Paulson] being a major babe."