WASHINGTON, DC -- Today the Pentagon announced that its highly trained weapon search teams have discovered a giant cache of dangerous, highly pointed sticks in a previously unknown Iraqi weapons dump.
   

Weapons discovered by search

    "These were some really dangerous sticks," said National Secuity advisor Condoleeza Rice. "I can't even imagine what would happen if the 19 9/11 hijackers had these in their strategic arsenal."
   
    "Only a sophisticated state system could produce such weaponry," said Pentagon advisor Richard Perle, who predicted before the war that the number of such weapons numbered in the thousands.
   
    According to experts, the sticks must have been skillfully sharpened by learned craftsmen, dangerous men wanted by US forces whom pose a serious threat, and several US officials have publicly hypothesized that these scientists may have fled to Syria.
   
    "The lack of quality sharpening tools suggest that these sticks were prepared and delivered by a foreign interest," said Perle. "Possibly a European power like France."
   
    Military inspectors have also discovered what appears several crates of coffee mugs stored in a warehouse near Tikrit.
   
    "They seem innocuous, but what if you ask yourself, 'What did they want to put in them, huh?' It could have been anything," said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.
   
    The Pentagon also announced the discovery of a small number of rubber bands and a jar of old strawberry jam.
   
    Alarmingly, teams have uncovered a small container that may hold pancake syrup. "Al Qaeda manuals suggest methods for attacking the climate control systems in civilian office buildings," said Rumsfeld. "They could pour some of this tasty maple syrup in the ventilation, and, well, I don't think I have to even mention what could possibly happen."
   
    Most disturbingly, the Pentagon says, is that the Iraqi government ran large facilities for the purpose of providing clean running water, the most basic element needed in a nuclear reaction.
   
    "This capability was available almost anywhere in Iraq," said Perle "They could have been developing these weapons anywhere, even in the cities. It's a good thing we obliterated that capability early in the war, before any military research on that subject could be completed."