NEW YORK CITY -- Coming as a surprise after handlers had hinted at more promising results, the Son of God spoke out in woe at "disappointing" holiday sales results.
    "These numbers were not enough to honor my birthday," said Jesus in a series of unprepared remarks. "I don't see how you couldn't have gotten the message clearly enough this year," He continued.
    "Unless the Easter card & candy season spikes next season, there's no telling what will please Him until 2005," said Bear Stearns analyst Matthew Nakishima.