WASHINGTON, DC -- God has entrusted the Keys to Heaven to former US Attorney General John Ashcroft, who resigned on Tuesday, spokesmen announced today in a joint statement between the Heavenly Domain and the US Department of Justice.
    "Ashcroft, now given the Greats Keys, can guard Heaven against terrorists and other possible malefactors," said a mysterious voice. "I will work my hardest to protect the promised land just as I have defended the United States," said a spokesman for Ashcroft's family, reading from a written statement.
    "This really is a unique opportunity for Ashcroft," said US Solicitor General Ted Olsen. "After ruling over the Earth, he now can judge the dead. He's really made his mark on history."