LANGLEY, VA -- In a joint statement the EPA and CIA agencies advised that hippies may have acquired the technology to wear underwear made in darker shades than ever before. Leaked form the Los Alamos National Laboratories, according to the CIA, the theft will chill already icy US relations with its dirty, useless hippies.
    "In the past, hippies were forced to change underwear every few weeks because the unaesthetic discoloration of the fabric may have brought them some sense of 'shame' or 'disgust,'" said environmental secretary Christine Todd Whitman. "With dark-colored underwear, discoloration may take months or may never occur, allowing them to wear the same underwear until it literally wears off of their odorous bodies."
    While still under research, the ecological effects of this development may prove to be utterly devastating, as plumes of toxic gas descend on natural settings killing thousands of baby seals, poultry hens and rabbits used for cosmetics testing.